May 18th, 2012
Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
 With the recent vote against gay marriage in North Carolina and President Obama’s support of marriage equality, same-sex relationships are making headlines.
But my colleagues and I have less political concerns: We’re focused on helping our gay, lesbian, and bisexual clients navigate their way through many of same relationship hurdles that heterosexual clients face.
Couples of all orientations find themselves struggling with the same issues, from mismatched libidos to sex ruts to infidelity. “The underlying dynamics are identical,” says Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of “A Scientific Guide to Successful Relationships.”
“They may play out differently because of the differences in gender or because of external social pressures, but the rules are the same – and there’s some clear indications that gay couples are actually better at following those rules than straight couples!”
Nagoski pointed me to a 12-year study of same-sex couples by eminent marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman, which concluded that all couple types – straight or gay – have many of the same issues and the same paths to staying happy together.
But Gottman’s research also indicated that gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict and, compared to straight couples, use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement.
“When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples,” says Gottman. “Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships.”
Studies suggest, for instance, that gay male couples tend to have sex more often than any other type of couples, while lesbian couples tend to have the least amount of sex. Since women often value emotional intimacy over sexual intimacy, low sex drive may not be a concern.
Likewise, two men who have strong libidos may be able to accommodate their sexual desires within an open relationship.
“A number of my gay clients prefer to be sexually open but emotionally monogamous,” says sex and relationship therapist Joe Kort. “They can have lovers on the side and not have it be a threat to the relationship.”
It’s a type of male coupledom that sex columnist Dan Savage has famously termed “monogamish” – but it’s not necessarily unique to gay relationships.
“Overall, men are good at compartmentalizing sexual and emotional feelings,” explains Kort. “It’s a guy thing, not a gay thing.”
At the same time, gay and lesbian couples can have unique concerns that just don’t exist in straight relationships. For example, “each partner may be in a different stage of coming out,” says Kort.
“If one partner is more ‘out’, he or she may push for things that the other partner might not feel comfortable with yet, like meeting one another’s families or being physically affectionate in public.”
Gender can also play a big role in the way couples relate to each other, in and out of the bedroom, and same-sex couples are no exception.
In general, says Kort, women tend to focus on emotional intimacy, while men can be more emotionally distant. Lesbian and gay couples may benefit from counseling when both partners strongly have these characteristics. In other words, a female couple may be so closely bonded that they want to work on nurturing their individual selves, while counseling can help a male couple learn how to better open up to each other.
If you’re considering counseling, it pays to do your research.
“Your therapist doesn’t have to be gay or lesbian, but he or she should be absolutely be gay and lesbian-informed, not just gay and lesbian-friendly,” explains Kort.
That includes having deep insight into the often-subtle differences between same-sex and heterosexual couples, from concerns about discrimination and being ‘out’, to childhood influences, to sexual issues.
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May 18th, 2012
Frailty and differences in other people often scare us. Why? They scare us because we see a reflection of what we fear in ourselves or because we just don’t know how to respond. Since we can’t live with this discomfort for too long, we make assumptions about and apply labels to those we fear. Now that we have come to a fabricated understanding about, labeled, and summarily discounted them from the inner circles of our lives, we can relax. There’s no need to spend time or energy discovering who these people really are, and confront the uncertainties that they represent. Then, we share our “knowledge” and labels with others and collectively build social fences to keep “undesirables” out. There. We have created a “stigma.”
Two Lives: Two Responses
Let’s look at how stigma works through the comparison of two lives.
Yitzchak, 22 years old, is the picture of competence and health. Everyone knows he’ll be successful in whatever he chooses to do. He is a choice shidduch prospect and has easily found his ideal kallah. Oh, Yitz might act impetuously now and then; but that can be seen as zerizut. He frequently texts or calls his kallah to find out where she is and what she’s doing. He’s a great catch and the phone calls show how much he cares. Time passes and we discover that this exemplary young man often demeans his wife and beats his child behind closed doors. Shocking! No symptoms, no reason for him to seek help, and no psychiatric diagnosis. Neighbors wonder, “How can such a personable and successful man do such a thing? What did his wife do to cause him to act this way?”
Then, there’s Estie, a 27 year old freelance writer with exemplary middot. She loves to read Michtav M’Eliyahu. Twice a week, she shops with Frady, a 75-year-old widow. Thursday is one of their shopping days. Estie checks her watch more often on Thursdays than on Mondays; she wants to be sure not to miss her psychotherapy appointment. You see Estie has been living with anxiety and depression since she was 15. A studious girl, she continually endured snide remarks by the high school “in crowd.” It could have been worse. Facebook and Twitter weren’t around in those days. Though hospitalized at 17 for 10 days, Estie has done quite well since the age of 22 with weekly therapy appointments, a decreasing dosage of anxiety medication, and a well balanced diet.
So, Estie’s doing fairly well now. Ah, one problem. The “nasty secret” about her hospitalization and subsequent treatment is known by some in her community and by shadchanim. No one would imagine presenting her as a viable shidduch for a talmid chacham who would appreciate a marriage partner who will eagerly join him in exploring the depths of Rabbi Dessler’s works. So, every Shabbos, Estie curls up with her Michtav M’Eliyahu, as she prays that maybe, one day, she will find the man to whom she give love in the very way that Rabbi Dessler upholds as the highest form of loving.
Who should we fear – Yitchak or Estie? With whom would you rather share life’s wonders, pleasures, trials and tribulations? Why should a 10 day stay in the hospital’s psychiatric ward (10 years ago), successful weekly therapy sessions, and a couple of pink pills prevent her from meeting her bashert, who may or may not have any labels attached to him?
The Mark of Cain
People who are known to have received or are receiving mental health services are stigmatized and painted with one broad swath of paint signaling “avoidance.” It’s like the “mark of Cain” if you will. Therefore, they often feel compelled to vigilantly hide a part of themselves in order to be matched up, hired, or called upon for community service.
It’s a catch-22. If one reveals his history and condition, he may be avoided or treated differently. Yet, if he hides it, then, by definition, he conceals his authentic self from others. The social pressure to hide his mental health condition effectively perpetuates the very stigma that he decries and against which he struggles. Ultimately, it can’t be fully hidden, for it’s a part of him and the ways he perceives, understands, interacts with, and contributes to the world around him. Some of teachings of the revered Rebbe, Rabi Nachman of Breslov were inspired by his own battles against depression.
‘They’ Are Not All Alike
As indicated, stigma places people into convenient categories and justifies exclusion. Many people will not even consider meeting fine shidduch candidates with mental health service histories. Even those who have their own shidduch-related challenges will often discount candidates with known mental health disabilities. Their family, friends, and community leaders often support or promote this position. While this article’s author understands their concerns, she is troubled by the categorical assumptions that are made and the resulting prejudices. Mental health conditions differ in kind and in degree. Many people with mental health conditions have learned how to live with their disabilities, have become supports to others, including their spouses, and raise insightful children with wonderful middot. Stigma, based in fear, is a destructive barrier to potentially fruitful relationships.
What Can You Do to Deconstruct Stigma?
· Become inquisitive about others and their lives.
· Approach a person you usually avoid.
· Get to know each other at a comfortable pace.
What about that person do you really appreciate?
What do you share in common?
· Ask them for their help or advice.
· What can you learn from each other about meeting life’s challenges?
· Tell another friend what you’ve learned from that person
· Keep possibilities for shidduchim as open as possible.
· Explore humility. What is it? How can you use it in your encounters with others?
About the Author: Sharon Shapiro-Lacks is the Executive Director of Yad HaChazakah-The Jewish Disability Empowerment Center. Led by Jews with disabilities, Yad HaChazakah-JDEC provides guidance, resource information, advocacy, and community for people with obvious or hidden disabilities as we promote access to Jewish community life. www.yadempowers.org; 646-723-3955; info@yademowers.org.
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May 15th, 2012
By Elena Olmstead for TCAJoB
Walking into the new Yakima National Bank loan processing office in Kennewick, you won’t be greeted by teller lines and a standing-room-only check-writing island.
At the Kennewick office clients come in, sit down at a desk in a comfortable chair and talk to a banker they have a relationship with.
“It has a boutique banking feel,” said Jeff Newgard, president and CEO of Yakima National Bank. “It’s comfortable. It’s higher end.”
The newly opened Kennewick office is the latest location for the growing bank, which has branches in Yakima, Selah and Sunnyside.
Newgard said opened the Kennewick location as a loan processing office, but have plans to have it become a full-service branch within a year. It’s a model the bank has used before as its moved into new markets.
The Kennewick office staff includes three loan officers and two support staff members, but Newgard said they’res already looking for additional mortgage officers and will likely hire another commercial loan officer.
For Newgard opening the Kennewick office is a lot like returning home. Newgard was a commercial loan officer in Kennewick before he went to work for Yakima National Bank.
“I see my roots in Kennewick,” Newgard said. “I wanted to come back to Kennewick as soon as I left.”
But Newgard knew that Yakima National Bank would have to grow a bit before he would be able to create a presence for the bank in the Tri-Cities area. And over the years the bank has been doing just that, opening its first branch outside of the Selah, Yakima area a few years ago in Sunnyside.
“The next logical step is to keep going down the Valley to Kennewick,” Newgard said.
One of the key reasons the bank decided to offer services in the Tri-Cities market was because of its liquidity and the availability of money to loan.
Right now, Newgard said offering Kennewick clients a loan office where they specialize in creating loan products for their clients gives the bank a niche.
“It’s a niche because of the experience we have, the relationships we’re building and we have the money to lend,” Newgard said.
The bank will have a grand opening this month and within the next year, Newgard hopes to expand the office into an official bank branch with a larger location.
For more information on the Yakima National Bank loan processing office visit the office at 1020 Center Parkway, Suite F in Kennewick, view the bank’s website at www.yakimanationalbank.com or call the office at (509) 222-1084. The loan office is open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., Monday through Friday.
by By Elena Olmstead for TCAJoB
Tri-Cities Area Journal of Business
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May 15th, 2012
When a person falls in love, they hope that this love can last for ever. Many people crave for lasting loving relationship. The truth is, some relationships fail at some point. The main reasons why relationships fail are,one cheating spouses who betray the trust of their loved ones. Even celebrities who have cheated on their spouses have had to experience the pain of breaking up with their loved ones. If you want your relationship to work, you should learn to communicate. Set guidelines on how to make your relationship last and how best to sort relationship issues. Two, sort financial issues amicably. Disagreements in financial matters can cause a lot of acrimony in a relationship. Three, differences in parenting skills. This applies especially in marriages. You have to agree on the best way to raise your kids, how best to instill discipline and the best way to make decisions regarding them. Four, a relationship may fail due to external forces such as friends, relatives and colleagues. These are people who can easily spread baseless accusations leading to breakups in relationships. Choose your friends wisely. Since you can not choose your relatives, learn the best way to relate with them for harmonious living. All relationships have issues, how you sort them is what makes the difference.
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May 12th, 2012
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May 12th, 2012
In this adapted excerpt from my latest ebook The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship , I share my tips for kicking the virtual relationship habit, which is when you’re too reliant on texts, instant messenger, email, Facebook, sexts et al and making loaves out of crumbs…
Shorten your meeting time.
The amount of time between meeting someone online and meeting face to face should be short. The longer it is, the greater the fantasy. There is no need to go through this pre-vetting process by having long drawn-out and misleading conversations via text, email, and even phone, without setting the date. You’re not a hotline for stroking the egos of strangers. Dating is a discovery phase – use dates to discover before you invest into having these lazy communications with someone you hardly know. Shortening this time period will save you a hell of a lot of pain and illusions.
It’s time for a lazy communication diet.
You’d be amazed at how quickly you’ll see how things really are when you opt to pick up the phone instead of texting or emailing, or opt to meet up instead of spending your days chatting.
Take at least a 3-6 month break from dating sites.
If you have a string of virtual relationships over an extended period of time, a 12 month break to reconnect with the real world is highly recommended. Don’t go back on dating sites until you’re ready to have hide of rhino and be the Columbo in your life.
If you have an extensive history of virtual relationships, I’d take a year’s break. Delete your profiles so that you don’t feel tempted to reconnect with those who track you down or to collect attention.
If texting, email, IM, and dating sites didn’t exist, and it was, for example, 1998, what would you do in the same situation?
Accept that texts, emails, etc., are not the bread and butter of a healthy relationship that requires regular and increasing human interaction; they’re the crumbs.
In an otherwise genuinely effort-filled relationship, these means of communication are fine, but otherwise, they are a deluding and unproductive use of your time that stunts communication.
If you’re not touching them more than you’re having lazy communication with them, this is not the relationship you think it is.
Stop being so words-focused – if you haven’t got actions and a relationship to match, you’ve got nothing but words and hot air.
If it hasn’t progressed into a face to face, bonafide relationship after a month of this contact, cut it off.
It won’t be over because you forced a meeting; it’ll be over because it was dependent on not meeting and you were both passing time.
No sexts, no arguing, and no discussions via text and email.
People who are in a relationship don’t have to rely on sexting to have a sexual relationship. It is completely inappropriate and quite passive aggressive to argue or attempt to have a meaningful discussion via text or email – face to face or voice to voice. If you want to clarify points post-discussion or argument by text/email, that’s one thing, but the truth is that mature, available adults don’t use these means to have meaningful discussions about meaningful relationships. You must learn to communicate on a level with people and face your fear of conflict and rejection.
If you are transitioning from a breakup, divorce, etc., deal with this first.
Stop using these involvements as a distraction. Texts, etc., are not going to get you over your breakup or provide you with the better relationship that you deserve.
No long distance relationships.
One to three hours travelling is do-able as long as you have the means to regularly make the journey. Some people are not cut out for long distance relationships – Dreamers fit that bill. The lack of face to face interaction and the distortion caused by it being long distance, which adds a tension that wouldn’t exist otherwise, is too dangerous for you. If the distance becomes too much and you spend more time thinking about the relationship than living it, let it go.
Be careful of being with people who spend a lot of their time travelling.
Certainly in the early months, this is a vulnerable hotspot for you and leaves you too wide open. You need to be with someone who you can see regularly both during the week and at the weekends. This isn’t to say that people who go away are unavailable – this is about you. Until you’re in the position of being real and fully accountable, it is dangerous to have relationships that give you an excuse to have too much alone time with your imagination and a legitimate reason to engage in crumb communication.
Accept that sex with primarily virtual contact isn’t a relationship; it’s a booty call with some window dressing. Nuff said.
Don’t create new ‘rules’ to justify the lazy communication.
Most Dreamers, especially Virtuals, have come up with all sorts of justifications for their behaviour based around modern dating. If you think that people are forging long-term relationships, getting married, having children, building lives together, by spending most of their time emailing, texting, IM’ng, and waiting around, think again. Nothing has changed – in order to create a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust, respect, and shared values, that has progression, consistency, commitment, balance, and intimacy, you both need to be in the real world, seeing each other regularly and putting in genuine physical and emotional effort that matches your words. It does not matter that texting, dating sites, Facebook or whatever exist – it’s only someone who wasn’t intending to commit and has found new means to make it easier to make a big deal out of crumbs, who will rely on these means.
If you feel like you want to keep a safe distance, you probably shouldn’t be involved.
You’re going to get to know someone by getting up close.
Respect your current relationship and no matter how innocuous you think it is, don’t entertain inappropriate interactions with people outside of your relationship.
If you couldn’t show your communications to your partner and they, in fact, have no knowledge of the person’s existence, it is inappropriate.
Sort your problems out.
Every person who is in a virtual relationship has problems that, instead of solving, they avoid by seeking attention and making a big deal out of crumbs. This is how you end up with bigger problems than what you started out with. Sometimes we do need a distraction in order to gain perspective so that we can approach a problem with renewed vigour and focus; having a virtual relationship is not a means of doing this.
Bid farewell to your exes, especially the ones from long ago.
Unless they add genuine, positive, out in the open and respectful value to your life, cut ‘em off. This will mean grieving the loss of them, but you’d be surprised at how short this will be when you can grab back the power for your life and you realise that you’re letting go of the best thing you never had so you can focus on experiencing the best thing that you can have in your future.
The ex from long ago that screwed you over or married someone else when you think you were so much better – let them go.
They have made their choice and they’re really not that special. Stop waiting around on the off chance that they might call you up after they’ve seen the light or tap you up for the role of the Other Woman (or guy). Stop stroking their ego, sending nude shots, or waiting around for them to send you dumb texts about the weather or your shared favourite sports team. It’s all bullshit.
Your thoughts?
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship is now available from my bookshop along with with Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
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May 8th, 2012
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May 8th, 2012
For managers wishing to appear dynamic and cost-conscious, outsourcing, near-shoring and off-shoring seem to provide the perfect solutions. All entail moving services or production to other countries which boast a charming combination of talented staff and lower labor costs, usually located in emerging markets such as Romania or Vietnam. Basically, outsourcing means having an external company do some activity instead of your own company. Near-shoring is when this is done by a country in proximity to the home country, such as Mexico is to the U.S. Off-shoring is when this is done by a country further away from the home country, like when a French manufacturer off-shores its IT work to India. The whole idea is to enable the home country to reduce costs, something which inevitably produces broad smiles on shareholders’ faces. The point is to get results, cheaper. Sounds simple. So why does it often go wrong?
In reality, outsourcing projects are often badly planned and mismanaged, resulting in project delays, rising costs, soaring frustration levels and cross-cultural misunderstandings. In the end, cheap is expensive.
Why? Indians, Czechs, Poles and other nationalities that are considered outsourcing-friendly are usually extremely well-qualified and speak excellent English, albeit with an accent. This means that qualifications and language cannot account for the delays and misunderstandings so common in outsourced projects. The answer very often lies in the major but little appreciated aspect of cultural differences, and the different ways of “signaling” to business counterparts things such as importance, emotion and urgency.
Generally stated, international business cultures can be categorized into “task-oriented” (Scandinavians, German speakers, parts of the U.S. and the UK, for instance), and “relationship-oriented cultures” (India, Asia, Latin American, Southern and Eastern Europe, Africa, the Middle East, parts of the U.S. and the UK, for example). Crudely, task-oriented cultures tend to focus on things – contracts, facts, deadlines, etc — rather than people. Relationship-oriented cultures consider people – business dinners, small talk, sharing emotions — of greater importance than things or even time itself.
Germany is a classic task-oriented culture. German managers often believe that their outsourced partners can be managed via email, with the occasional phone call thrown in to stress the urgency of some matter, followed up — perhaps — by an in-country visit once a year. All their home-based staff has to do is provide their Romanian or Indian counterparts with clearly stated data and milestones. Job done. For them, clearly defined parameters, deadlines and detailed contracts guarantee project success. How do business partners build trust? Through reliable, measurable behavior — a deadline is universally understandable, right? Who needs to go to dinner? Besides, that would simply increase business expenses and result in nothing tangible.
But most of the world’s seven billion people — from Asia to the Middle East, Latin America to Southern Europe and beyond — live in relationship-oriented cultures. Here, a handshake is of equal or greater importance than a contract, dinner with your business partner of more significance than some milestone. For relationship-oriented cultures, people are more important than things. “If a deadline is missed, come over, we’ll talk about it and work things out. But tell me, how is your cousin doing..?”
In managing outsourced projects, task-oriented managers often prefer to use email, because it is quick, efficient and cheap. Often they believe that words such as URGENT!!! in the subject line — bright red, of course — means “please do now.” A relationship-oriented counterpart, however, located in California or Mumbai often simply ignores or deletes this message. For them, “urgent” indicates factory on fire, boss kidnapped, war has broken out — thus if it’s urgent, don’t email me — burst into my office. Email, they reason, is cold, impersonal and thus unemotional; if something were truly “urgent” my counterpart would call, or better yet Skype or, best of all, fly out to talk to me — or fly me to his headquarters.
Furthermore, task and relationship oriented cultures often possess different ideas of what “ASAP” signifies. My German clients believe it’s synonymous with “immediately”; my British partner, in contrast, tells me it means “as soon as it is possible for me.” Thus, it could take up to a week for him to do an “ASAP” task. In other words, for relationship-oriented cultures, the more important something is, the greater the need to have a face-face-meeting; if it is of lesser importance, email is fine. Just don’t expect a reply.
In the end, the intangible costs of these subtle yet crucial cultural interpretations and “signaling” often offset the initial financial gains of outsourcing. Which type should defer to the other? Well, just looking at population figures, relationship-oriented cultures, including 1.1 billion Chinese, 350 million Arabs and 1.2 billion Indians, far outnumber, say, five million Finns. To ensure deadline commitment and on-time, in-budget, smoothly running international projects, the basic rule is: spend quality time with your relationship-oriented partner. Eat with him. Ask about his family. And remember: relationships get results.
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May 8th, 2012
Posted on May 8, 2012
Filed Under General
Since I became editor of PR News about two-and-a-half years ago, I’ve heard a lot of good things from agency folks about the PRSA Counselors Academy Conference. This week I finally went. As a first-timer at the Spring Conference in New Orleans, I learned many new things about the agency side of public relations, and was able to get a renewed sense of who the agency leaders are and what is on their minds. If I could sum up the prevailing mantra of the conference, it would be, “PR is a creative profession, but it’s still a business.” Here are some other observations on PR agency leaders and the “big ticket” issues they face:
Genuine Camaraderie: While many of the agencies represented here might be in competition with each other for business, there’s a strong sense among leadership of “we’re in this together.” Thus there was no hesitation to share best practices among agency peers. “We all help each other,” says Martin Waxman of Martin Waxman Communications and 2012 conference chair.
Entrepreneurial Spirit: Since many PR pros at the conference started their own agencies, they have very interesting and inspirational stories to tell. On May 7, Elise Mitchell, president and CEO of Mitchell Communications, chronicled her inspirational journey as an agency leader, likening it to a winding motorcycle ride (her personal passion). Her message of “uncertainty can mean great opportunity” clearly resonated with the audience.
Client Relationships Are Paramount: Not surprisingly, agencies put client relationships first. Yet it was said more than once that too much client care can hurt the bottom line. More than ever, agencies are getting inside clients’ heads, taking stock of the customer-centric companies like Zappos and beginning to apply similar best practices to their client relationships.
Employee Communications Are Key: Agency owners have a lot of worries, and one of the biggest is their staffs. Training, morale and work-life balance were all topics of conversation, with the prevailing question being, “How can I best enable my staff to succeed?” Because with their success comes business success.
It Is a Business: To compete with “the big dogs,” as Peppercom managing partner Steve Cody put it, midsize and smaller agencies must distinguish themselves through unique offerings, like mobile communications services and expanded digital/social footprints. Peppercom offers Comedy Experience workshops and launched Audience Experience, a new service to help companies better design their communications and marketing.
Yet with more of these offerings comes a need for improved business acumen. The end goal of achieving profitably was a repeating theme. On that end, Gould said 2011 agency revenues being tabulated for his company’s annual Best Practices Benchmarking study are coming in on the high side, which bodes well for the future of agencies.
—Scott Van Camp
Follow Scott Van Camp: @svancamp01
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May 5th, 2012
Everything we want to achieve in life involves relationships of some sort, but not all relationships are equally valuable when we are striving toward our goals. Here are some tips for navigating the relationship seas.
Drop the anchors. Achieving goals and greater levels of success requires energy, sometimes an enormous amount. Negative people are like psychic vampires: They drain us of the precious energy we need to grow and achieve. Until we reach the point in our self-development where we no longer allow negative people to affect us, it’s best to avoid these toxic people at all costs. They will hold us back with their victim mentality and mediocre standards.
To identify which relationships are draining you, make a list of all people you spend time with on a regular basis. Go through the list and put a minus sign (-) next to the people who are on the whole negative and toxic. Put a plus sign (+) next to the people who are positive and nurturing. Then simply stop spending time with the people on the negative list.
You may counter that it’s impossible to avoid negative people, for example, at work. In that case, spend only as much time as is absolutely necessary and avoid them when you can.
Identify your best investments. Another way relationships can drain our energy is when we feel overwhelmed by the number of relationships we have to maintain. The first thing to do is question the feeling of “have to.” Remember, we do not have to do anything; we choose to do it. And that includes determining which relationships we want to maintain. “Have to” indicates that our motivation to maintain the relationship is based on fear. But to create greater success, we want to make decisions that are motivated by joy and excitement.
Luckily, we are equipped with a handy inner guidance system that tells us when we are making decisions that are in alignment with our higher good and that is the feeling of joy. When we are not spending a lot of time feeling joyful, it is a clear sign that we are off course.
Review your list of relationships again, this time with a different set of criteria. Identify the people who bring you the greatest joy (as well as financial and professional success). Which people are you most excited to spend time with? Which people are most important for you to keep in touch with? Which relationships are critical to your bottom line? These are the relationships to cultivate.
Once you have identified your key relationships, prioritize their names on a chart. In the second column, add contact information so that it is readily available when you want to reach out to that person. In the third column, answer the question, “What result(s) do I want to achieve with this person in the next 90 days?” Do you want them to hire you? Attend your seminar? Buy your book? Send referrals to you? Use this chart to guide your actions over the next three months as you nurture these key relationships.
You get to choose. In business in particular, you may feel that you are required to stay connected with more people than you would normally choose. But remember that you do get to choose not only which relationships you want to nurture but also how close each relationship will be.
World-renowned marine artist Wyland once said, “There are two types of people: anchors and motors. You want to lose the anchors and get with the motors because the motors are going somewhere and they’re having more fun. The anchors will just drag you down.” Carefully choose the relationships in which you invest your precious time and rev up your own motor.
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Jack Canfield, America’s success coach, is the founder and co-creator of the billion-dollar book brand “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and a leading authority on peak performance. Get your free success tips from Canfield at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com.
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